How Long Should I Wait to Date After Divorce? 5 Signs You're Ready

A question I get asked a lot is, “How long should I wait to date?”

You probably aren’t going to like my answer.

As long as it takes.

Wait, what?! What do you mean, “as long as it takes”?

I know… that feels like a sucky answer, but it’s the most accurate one I can give you.

I have heard counselors, therapists and pastors say things like, “You should wait one month for every year you were married.” Or, “Just wait at least a year.” But that doesn’t take the YOU factor into account. And a calendar measures time, not healing.

You are unique. Your pain is unique. How you have learned to cope with emotions is unique. Your marriage was unique.

History Repeats Itself

One of the biggest problems I see… and admit it, you’ve seen it, too… is that people jump right into a new relationship, and it ends up falling apart or even turns out exactly like the marriage they just left. Sometimes it turns out even worse. Why is that?

Because they didn’t unpack their bags.

And it takes some of us longer to unpack because… to keep this travel analogy going… we don’t travel light, we don’t do any laundry along the way, and we didn’t even pack right in the first place.

What’s in Your Suitcase?

Since we are all imperfect humans, we all carried baggage into our marriages starting from day one. Things like:

• Daddy issues
• Mommy issues
• Passive-aggressive tendencies
• Insecurity
• People-pleasing
• Conflict avoidance
• Control tendencies

I won’t go on… you get the point. Those things paired up with the baggage your spouse brought into the relationship, and at some point, they started to cause problems. Of course, some of those issues probably came to light along the way, and you learned to be and do better. But others most likely played a big role in why the relationship became strained and difficult, or why the two of you clashed over certain things, until the marriage finally failed.

Sister, please hear me say… I am not blaming you.

A marriage is made up of two people. And sometimes one person really does throw a grenade into the whole thing, causing it to blow up. I wasn’t there, and I don’t know exactly what happened in your situation. But even if the ultimate demise of your marriage could be owned 100% by your ex, we all have baggage that we carry around and bring into, and out of, any relationship. And because you have found yourself in a divorce, you are now carrying even more.

The unpacking part is what makes the time frame impossible to nail down with one simple rule of thumb. Besides how much baggage you’re carrying, you also have to factor in your willingness to do the actual work.

This is the Part That Trips People Up

Unpacking our bags sounds fine, right? Talk to someone, unload, practice some self-care. Yep, check!

Look inward, find the source of the baggage, and be willing to unlearn some unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms. Hang on just a second… now you’re meddling! I think I’d rather do something that feels good and makes me forget the pain for just a bit, and sweep all that hard stuff under the rug, thank you very much.

No one says that out loud, but that is what most of us end up doing. I sure did. I wanted so badly to feel special again. Beautiful. Desired. Respected. Cherished. Heck, even normal would have sufficed in the beginning of my divorce. But I wasn’t ready. I just couldn’t admit that.

Loneliness is real. And sometimes the silence of loneliness can be deafening. We are designed for companionship, so it is only normal that we want to find someone who will fill the space, hold us, and make the loneliness go away. Or is it just me?

There was far too much going on emotionally to make any relationship work. But it’s all so fun and euphoric in the beginning, isn’t it? And it even felt like this new person really got it. And got me. He was so different from my ex, and seemed to be meeting needs that hadn’t been met in a long time.

Until he didn’t.

The new wore off, the day to day set in, and some of the same negative patterns from my failed marriage started replaying themselves again before my very eyes… how in the world did I get here?! Again?!

Apparently, I handed him my nasty, unpacked bags, and he handed his to me. Ugh. They were all so heavy.

I didn’t know who I was angry at… the boyfriend, the ex-husband, or myself. Because I never took the time to Unpack. My. Bags.

The Rest of My Story

Fast-forward to now, and I hope my story can be a beacon of hope for you. I am joyously married to a man who makes me laugh every single day. Like, belly laugh, all the time. He seems to really cherish my presence in his life, and we are aligned in our faith, our values, our day-to-day habits, and on living in gratitude for where we find ourselves now. Of course, we aren’t perfect, so no need to throw up in your mouth a little… we both still work on our baggage and make sure it stays unpacked.

But, Sister, I do want you to know that I was single for 18 years between my last divorce and marrying Brad. 18 years. Now, I’m not saying that YOU have to wait 18 years. I think my case was a tad extreme. And I did date and I had a few relationships during that time, so it was not a complete desert season. But I continued to work on my own emotional health the whole time and worked really hard not to take on new baggage or hand mine off to other people. I was unwilling to stay in an unhealthy relationship or even think about getting married until I literally heard God’s voice telling me I had found the one.

The other part of that work was repacking for the next journey. Not only did I need to unravel the unhealthy parts of me, but I also needed to focus on what kind of partner I wanted to be, and then do the consistent emotional work to build that character.

A Better Question

So, to wrap this up and answer your question about how long you should wait to start dating, let me try to give you a better answer than, “as long as it takes.” Maybe, “How long should I wait?” is the wrong question. The better question is, “What should I be doing right now to truly unpack my bags?”

Another sucky answer. Sorry.

And think about the kids if you have them. Remember that they are grieving, too. Not in the same way that you are, but they need some time to unpack their bags as well.

How Will I Know When I’m Ready?

OK, so how long you should wait is too much of a moving target for a one-size-fits-all answer, but what I can tell you is what it looks like when you start getting there. Here are five signs that show you are traveling light with some empty suitcases:

1. You can talk about your ex without going into a tailspin. As a matter of fact, you aren’t the one always bringing him up anymore, and your divorce or what he did to you no longer dominates your every thought or conversation. You understand that chapter is closed. Even though it may still be painful, you no longer get flooded with rage, tears, or that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. This is a part of your story now, but it no longer controls you.
2. You are not looking for a life raft or an escape route. You have done the work and know exactly what you bring to the table in a relationship. You have built a life that you love with or without a mate, and you have purpose and joy. You know the kind of partner you will be, and what kind of mate will come alongside that life and respect and cherish you.
3. You are not only OK with yourself, you are OK by yourself. A Saturday night at home with a hot bath and a marathon of Lifetime movies sounds like a treat, not torture. You realize that you really like who you are and enjoy your own company. You can also enjoy a night out with the girls, live in the moment, and never compare your love life to theirs.
4. You own your stuff. This isn’t about blame. It’s about wisdom. You have taken a long hard look at yourself and your marriage, and you can see what went wrong without prejudice. You know what you need to own, and what he needs to own, yet you understand that his mess isn’t your business. Extra points if you also realize that it was never actually your place to fix him anyway. It is this knowing that will help you shatter the patterns instead of repeating them.
5. You are at peace with exactly where you are. Sure, sometimes you will feel lonely… you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. But in your deepest soul, you know that you are going to be just fine. You know that God has got you. His timetable is always perfect for you because He loves you more than you can possibly fathom. Maybe you will have to wait a little while until you are ready to be the right partner, or maybe you will even have to wait for your Mr. Right to be ready. And who knows? He may have more unpacking to do than you! And you want him to unpack it all, Sister, trust me.

These five signs, my sweet friend, point to a true, beautiful, wonderful life… LIFE after divorce.

Help Me Get There

If you don’t mind me getting a little personal… if you met someone wonderful tomorrow (or maybe you’ve already met him), what are you secretly hoping he will fix? You don’t have to answer me now, but maybe grab your journal and work that out. Just some food for thought.

My whole mission is to help you do the unpacking. Really experience the grief instead of numbing it. Get to the root of your emotions, process them in a healthy and impactful way, and break free from the bondage of unhealthy attitudes, behaviors, and thought patterns. Get unstuck when you are mired in sadness, unforgiveness, or anger. Learn to deal with stress, loneliness and depression. Get your joy back.

If you need some baby steps and aren’t sure where to start, or where your heart might be stuck on the baggage carousel, you can take my free quiz: Where Are You Stuck? You will find gentle next steps for exactly where you are right now and some of the strategies that actually worked for me. QUIZ LINK HERE

If you are ready to jump in and do ALL the work, CLICK HERE to start the course now with all of the steps that I took to work through the grief and the baggage.

Thanks for letting me speak into your life.

With all my love and support,

Carleen ❤️