The Weight of Divorce

The Heaviness Nobody Warned Us About

No one tells you how much divorce actually WEIGHS. So often we talk about what we are shedding. Some of us even joke about “losing 200 pounds in our divorce.”

But oh, the weight of the things that you pick up and carry…

• Devastation
• Loneliness
• Guilt
• Fear
• Bitterness
• Insert your own here.

These can all be so heavy that they feel like they will just crush you and swallow you up.  Not to mention that you are now carrying the weight of keeping up your entire household by yourself in this “new normal.”

Normal. There’s a word. There is nothing normal about this. Webster says that “normal” means expected, usual, or healthy. I don’t know about you, but for me, going through a divorce did not feel like any of that.

Instead, I felt like I was dragging this massive weight behind me, barely able to put one foot in front of the other. The weight of loneliness, the fear of being alone forever, and oh my goodness the guilt. The shouting in my head of all the things I should have done differently or better were so loud I was sure my co-workers could hear them down the hall.

Unloading the Weight

So, what do you do with these voices… these weights? Well, for me it was journaling. And of course, prayer. I think I have probably never spent as much time in my whole life praying as I did in the year following my divorce.

The journaling, though. Wow, did it surprise me. I had never been one to journal or keep a diary. But on the advice of a very wise woman, I picked up a pen and started writing it all down. Once I got started, I scribbled so furiously that I didn’t think my hand cramps would ever go away.

I journaled my prayers, my hurts, my feelings, the voices… everything. I even “journaled” letters to my ex. Thank God I never sent them. They really weren’t for him anyway. Turns out, they were for me… for MY healing. And you know what happened? The voices got quieter. The weights felt a little lighter. The crushing subsided. And I kept going because it helped me so much.

Then I learned that there is real science behind this. Writing things down accomplishes a few things that merely talking them out does not. For one thing, writing in a journal reduces stress and anxiety, and causes painful emotions to lose their intensity in our brains. Over time, journaling can be as effective as seeing a therapist.

Writing out our thoughts and feelings also moves them out of the emotional part of our brains and into the logical, problem-solving part. That’s when the Goliath-sized feelings start to get smaller, and we can take control of our feelings instead of letting them control us.

Science also tells us that journaling in the evening can help us sleep better. I know I could finally get a decent nights’ sleep once I started journaling a few minutes before bed. And what a difference that made! This girl needs her sleep!

Where to Start

Friend, if you are not journaling right now, please start. And if you don’t know where to begin, you can find my three favorite journal prompts in the Resources tab at the top of the page.

What’s the heaviest thing that you’re carrying right now? Naming it is the first step to setting it down.

And if you are so paralyzed that you aren’t sure what is the heaviest, here is a free quiz that will help you identify it and give you more strategies and journal exercises that will help get you unstuck:

Take the Free Quiz Now

I am rooting for you, Sister!

❤️,

Carleen